Tender

 A long time ago, in a galaxy not far away..

Umm, actually the same one. This one. At least I think..

..I played hockey. Most people who say that were sensible enough to play as either a forward or defenseman, but when have you ever known me to be sensible? I've never wanted to be anything but a goalie.

I'm not known for my good decisions.

I played a couple of years in the Mississauga Girls' Hockey League, a couple of years in the Mississauga (boys') Hockey League, and a couple of year for my highschool. My last season was 1998-1999, before I was even 20 years old. I got in a little ice time here and there after I got together with Tanker in 2001 - a bit of shinny on outdoor rinks in Alberta, and then some occasional ragtag scrimmages with guys he worked with after we moved to Ontario: one of his coworkers was friends with the guy who closed up Meadowvale Four Rinks on Saturday nights, so every month or two we'd sling this guy a case of beer and a few bucks per person, and we'd get to play for a couple of hours after the end of the last legitimate ice time - usually around 1am-3am or something ridiculous like that. 

That came to an end (I'm not sure if the guy changed jobs or took flack for his indiscretions) in 2005-ish, and that was it for hockey until an alumni tournament popped up for my old highschool in April of 2010.

I still had my old jersey!

I was in my first real season of triathlon, having only started running in November of 2008. I was 30 years old, in far better shape than I'd been in highschool, and had a ball on the ice...even though we kind of got slaughtered in the tournament, and only about 5 of us showed up for the Sunday game after everyone went out to Dave & Busters after the Saturday games. 

Team photo from Saturday, before the outbreak of brewer's asthma

After that, running just took over. I'd run my very first ultra 6 months later, spend another 5 years racing triathlons, and hockey - apart from something to watch, either at a rink for some local junior action or on tv - just fell out of my life again. 

..but all the equipment stayed.

I changed jobs in 2020, and learned that the company I joined had previously participated in a charity hockey tournament. Covid, of course, prevented any such thing from going forward in 2021, but toward the end of the year one of the women in our R&D department posted that the Let's Body Check Cancer tournament was probably a go for April 2022, and who would be interested in joining?

I didn't stop to think - I just threw my hat in the ring, especially since the co-ed tournament rules require that we have 2 women on the ice at all times. With me in net, we were already halfway there!

Except, it had been twelve years since I last strapped on the pads. In that time I'd broken my left wrist, destroyed my right ankle, had multiple major back injuries, and have been struggling with a low back/left hip issue for a few years now. When I started playing I was a teen-aged competitive dancer and could do the splits all 3 ways, and throw my legs behind my head. Now I'm past forty, and trying to raise my leg above waist height is...problematic. Let me tell you: ultrarunning is not particularly conducive to good flexibility.

So, I got to work. About 4 weeks ago, I started stretching daily, quickly finding a series of YouTube videos and even some free programmes from Maria Mountain of GoalieTrainingProTV. 10-20mins per day of focused stretching and mobility work, in hopes of not actually having all of my hamstrings and adductors explode..

I also dragged out my hockey bag, pulling out all the gear to see what - if anything - needed repairing or replacing.

Chest protector and gloves are (more or less) good to go

Still remember how the skates and pads go on, and can still reach all the straps!

These were the same model pads Damian Rhodes used as backup goalie for the Leafs in 1994

My old Tackla goalie pants were sadly NOT good to go - once we realized how much so, Tank immediately quarantined them in a sealed garbage bag, and got them out of the house before someone came to have us tried under the Geneva Convention. Having looked at the only stick I still owned, I discovered it would likely shatter into splinters if it were actually called upon to stop a puck, so I found a great deal on a (probably slightly too long) newfangled lightweight composite one.

Think the tape will make shooters go crosseyed?

Sarah - our tournament organizer at our company - let us know that RIM Park had adult public skate times on Saturday nights, so I laced 'em up for the first time in probably a decade to see if I still knew how edges worked.

The old volleyball knee pads are indicative of my level of confidence

Fortunately, I'd been taught to skate as a toddler, so the habits of a lifetime took over and I managed to stay correct side up.

Yeah, I wore a pair of hockey gloves as well, in case of crashing.

I found a pair of ridiculously discounted knee pads - seriously, they were $90 marked down to $10! - and started using them to protect my knees while stretching in the livingroom every night. Since the floor is just cement under the carpet (with no underpad), this was a big help!

Fionny - while adorable - was less helpful

I'd found a pair of discounted goalie pants - which have all sorts of extra bits of padding when compared to regular (way less expensive) skater's pants - online, and they arrived in a big cardboard box. Putting them on, I was astonished by how big they were!

HOLY CRAP Y'ALL

These were literally advertised as being a "more tapered fit for a more flexible, mobile goaltender"

Do these hockey pants make my butt look big?
Just jokes - I know it's actually my butt itself that does that.

I did some finagling and adjusting and finally got them to more or less play nice with my chesty, and my brand new pair of suspenders (as my old ones were shot).

..but I'll still have to go through doorways sideways.

Saturday night again: my second skate! I wore my new knee pads this time for a little extra armour, and tried some more goalie-specific skating.

C-cuts and T-pushes and shuffles, oh my!

Come Sunday, I decided to try putting the whole business together..

How to build a goalie

Turns out the knee pads I got won't work with my old sofa cushions, so I'll stick with the stock thigh boards and...hope for the best?

At least I could move!

Stretching daily continued, with some decent progress - I'm still a long way from my bendy old days of youth, but have a lot more range than I did when I started.

This is the side impacted by back/hip issues, so isn't great - but better than before!

The other side is a little better

Jonathan Quick I'm not, but this is only after 3 weeks of work!

I'd noticed that the ol' trapper was looking a little worse for wear around the edges, lacing-wise, so I ordered a kit (nylon cord and a specialized threaded needle) from Bay Area Hockey Repair in California, and hoped it would arrive in time.

Because I wasn't sure it would survive the tournament..

With 8 days to go before puck drop, the kit arrived...leaving me to figure out how the heck my glove was put together, so I could take it all apart and re-do the perimeter.

It isn't particularly intuitive, and was highly stressful

I went slow, un-lacing and re-lacing a bit at a time

Done - ready to flash some leather!

Fast forward to the final Saturday night before the tourney, and my last chance to get on the ice - I was a little shaken up from some other stuff going on in my life, but got out there anyway. 

Going to take it as a good omen that this was the last song of the final skate!

So now I was down to details, really. Tanker had convinced me to buy a new mask, as the one I had was more than 2.5 decades old, the foam had hardened, the elastic had gone, most of the clips were broken, and there was a somewhat worrying crack in the chin.

Not to mention it had been living inside the leg of my old hockey pants, so putting my face in it was probably not my best choice.

The new mask was just white, though, apart from some branding. Who wants to play in some plain-jane mask? So I decided to try my hand at some DIY graphics..

With waxed paper, scissors, and electrical tape

This tried my patience enough that I very nearly abandoned the whole stinkin' project.

1/10 do not recommend

However, I actually kind of like the end result..

Simple, but I think it works

Not bad for a first attempt, anyway

Not really happy with the back plate, but the beauty is that I can just peel it off..

Nice to have a little war paint!

Now down to a day before the tourney, I started packing all my kit into my giant hockey bag, and noticed that all of the elastic in my chest protector is completely shot. I'd tied some knots in it previously to snug things up as it had stretched significantly even before the tournament in 2010, but even those left things a little loose now. So, I worked those apart, and snugged down the arms and the strap across the back.

It's messy, but should help things stay in place better

For some of the elastic, all I could think of was to stitch some folds into it to take up some slack.

It doesn't have to be pretty - it just has to work.

So now everything is in the bag - it only just barely fits with those huge freakin' pants - and I'm about as ready as I'm gonna get. 

..which is not necessarily confidence inspiring.

I don't have any ideas about setting the world on fire at this tournament, but would at least like to be an asset rather than liability to my team, and hopefully not hurt myself too badly. 

Hoping my team won't be willing to trade me for this after the first game!

If you'd like to come out and watch the hilarity that is almost assuredly to ensue, we have games at 6:30pm on Friday (April 8th, 2022), 10am and 6pm Saturday (April 9th, 2022), and either at 10:15am, 11am, or 12:15pm on Sunday (April 10th, 2022) at Cambridge Sports Park. If you'd just like to donate to help fund life-saving cancer research - the real reason for all this madness - you can use THIS LINK to do so online!

Of course, my secret hope is that once...just once...I'll be able to hear that "OOOOOOHHHHHHHHH" as some shooter realizes his "sure thing" goal just disappeared into my glove instead of the net, or bounced off one of my practically-antique pads and harmlessly into the corner.

A girl can dream, right?

Tank will be on site taking photos and video, so no matter what the outcome, I'll see y'all on the other side!

With a bit of luck, I'll even still be able to walk..