Blue Christmas

I'm not terribly merry at the moment, though I swear I'm doing my best.

Stuff like this - on a pleasant little trail run Sunday evening - helps.

It's been a hard year for me, and my stress levels have only increased over the last few weeks. Due to some major issues with our house, every moment not occupied by work, training or cooking has been devoted to remediation; it's led to late nights, frustration, and crushing feelings of helplessness. We've had to toss out so many of our belongings - some of which had huge sentimental value - and put in seemingly endless hours of hard, unforgiving work. Home should be a place to rejuvenate, but instead it has become another source of anxiety...and there's no end in sight, yet.

Just an occasional escape for a fleeting moment or two of freedom.

I've made an effort to get into the Christmas spirit here and there: we had a fun evening at Phil Kline's Unsilent Night near the start of the month; Tanker has put up a beautiful display of Christmas lights; and we even found the re-hung mistletoe on the Cambridge pedestrian bridge on Saturday.

Yep, seems to work.

We also managed to get out on our bikes on Saturday evening for our we-try-for-annual-but-it-doesn't-always-work-out Tour de Christmas Lights ride through the rich neighbourhood up the street.

The only photo I got of lights that wasn't terribly blurry.

Oh what fun it is to ride!

However, between the lack of time due to the endless work on the house and the money we've had to sink into both it and our car (do sway bar linkages qualify as a present? 'Cause that's what we get to spend $250 on tomorrow morning, on top of $350 of maintenance work last weekend), we have neither gifts nor even Christmas cards for most of our friends and family. I haven't even been able to afford to support friends in their fundraising pursuits, which wounds me deeply: Movember and the Speedo run have come and gone without me being able to donate, and prospects look poor for being able to contribute to the New Year's Day polar bear dips in which many friends are participating. I hate it, but we must have food and the car must have fuel in order to take us to work, so I play the Scrooge while awash in shame and regret.

And seek peace by tiny waterfalls as time allows.

Things don't look like they'll improve much into the new year, and it's all threatening to mire me in darkness and self-loathing, even as we pass the solstice and begin to move once more toward the light. I don't even get a long weekend out of the holiday season this year - I'll be working a half-day on Monday, off for Christmas and Boxing Day, then right back to work full-time for Thursday and Friday. We're booked solid with stuff from this evening through 8pm Saturday night, and staging a full dinner for Tanker and my Mum at her place means I'll be on my feet all day on Christmas Day. With prep work to do on Sunday, that means the whole of my actual "holiday" will be Boxing Day. Even if we had time to go snowboarding or climbing, we can't afford to anyway.

This little guy needs to eat, too, even if he did put a pair of more-than-foot-long scratches down my back first thing this morning.

The last few weeks (and the last few days in particular) seem to have been a test of just how much I can take without breaking, but I nonetheless continue to stumble along somehow. Since I have no choice but to keep moving forward, I'm going to try to focus as much as possible on all that I have for which I am grateful.

Even if it is currently a source of misery, I'm grateful to have a home.

Even if it is costing us money we can't afford, I'm grateful to have our little car.

Even if I'd rather have more time off from it, I'm grateful to have a job.

Even if we can't afford to help feed others, I'm grateful to have enough to eat.

Even if they rob me of the little sleep I do get, make me bleed, and pee on the kitchen floor (yes, I got to spend this morning scrubbing up cat wee after dressing my fresh wounds), I'm grateful to have three sweet, healthy kitties to stroke and play with.

Even if I'm sore and tired, I'm grateful to have made it through the first week of the 100 runs in 100 days challenge with 8 runs and my first 50km training week since I hurt myself in February.

Even if it takes a lot of work, I'm grateful to be able to put on a Christmas feast for those I love, and to spend the day trying to bring them the joy of the season.

Even if I'm not able to love and appreciate him as I should, I'm grateful to have a wonderful man who loves me and tries his best to care for me.

I wish you all the very best of the season - may you all be given plenty of time to spend doing things that bring you happiness with the people you love, and be blessed with prosperity and the spirit of beneficence. Where I am struggling, may you all thrive!

Peace and joy to one and all, from all of us.